


Execute order 69

by imgoingtohellforthis



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crack Fic, F/M, M/M, Other, Stripper Anakin, crackfic, star wars crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-17 22:38:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5887972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imgoingtohellforthis/pseuds/imgoingtohellforthis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Palpatine ditches the whole idea of "Make Anakin evil" and decides to open up a strip joint instead! Glitter, money, drunk Obi wan, and whole lot of madness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET CRAZY AND I'M 100% GOING TO HELL FOR THIS. WRITTEN FOR MY FRIEND TUMBLR USER KCRRA. SHE IS A GIFT AND SO IS THIS FIC. Please pray before you read this.

Chapter one:

It was nearly complete. Emperor Palpatine rubbed his nasty ass old man hands together in satisfaction. "Soon....EVERYTHING WILL FALL IN TO PLACE.." 

"Waddup bitch" Anakin walked in, shades on, pants sagging, Big Mac in hand. Palpatine smiled, "AH yes, my favorite home dog." Anakin slumped down on the couch and bit into his burger. "Bark bark motha fucker." He said, bits of meat and cheese dripping from his face.

Palpatine sat next to him on the sofa and smiled at him softly. "Anakin, my dude, I have something to tell you." Anakin slopped up the last of his burger and replied, "Lay it on me, you old fuck." Palpatine swallowed. He wasn't sure how Anakin was going to take this. 

"You know that whole thing about...taking over the galaxy, becoming a Sith Lord...that shit?" Asked the emperor. "No duh that's why I'm always riding your crusty ass dick all the time trying to get on your good side! When we gonna be evil fam?" Asked Anakin. Palpatine folded his arms, "Son, it's not happening. I've changed the plan." Anakin sputtered and jumped up from the couch, "uM FUCKIG EXUCSE ME???"   
Palpatine closed his eyes. "Anakin...I'm opening up a strip club. And I need your fine ass to strip for aliens n shit."   
Anakin sat back down. "Oh fuck never mind you a genius when do I start?" Anakin grabbed his own ass in excitement. 

"...TODAY! COMMENCE ORDER 69!!!" 

 

Chapter two:

Anakin narrowed his eyes and walked down the metal corridor in silence. He knew what had to be done. What Palpatine wanted....it was a stretch, some might even call it insane. But he had to do it. It was his duty as a member of the republic. 

He took the flyers out of his robe as he entered the clone dining area. Using his bad ass jedi skills, he zoomed around the cafeteria, coating every inch of the walls with Palpatine's flyers. They read: "WHATS UP YOU BAD BITCHES? WANNA FIND YOUR INNER HOE TONIGHT? THEN COME SLUT WALK DOWN TO PALPATINE'S THONG PALACE (where the dick is ripe and we shake that booty tonight ™) 

Anakin, not paying attention to all the clones staring at him, beamed proudly at his work of art. Right about now, Palpatine should be commanding the senate to follow order 69. Things were going smoothly. So far. 

 

Anakin arrived at Palpatine's Thong Palace before everyone else. His master had told him to come early for instructions and costume prep. He was ready. 

"Son...this was mine when I was young" Palpatine handed Anakin the most worn down, cum stained, close to just fucking falling apart thong he had ever seen in his life. It said "Sith hoe" in glitter across the front. Tears fell from his wrinkled face. "I wore that baby every day for 40 years straight. Tonight...it's yours...anaSKIN SLUTwalker..."   
Anakin squealed, "Holy shIT!!! YES BITCH!!! oh my goooOoDDDODODO" he immediately ripped off his pants and put on the Thong. Palpatine collapsed to the floor in tears. "I can't...believe...my dream is coming true..." He sobbed into the floor. Anakins dick was too big for the thong. He heard the people scream outside. He knew it was time. 

Chapter Three: 

"yOU READY TO GET SOME D TONIGHT MY SEXY PEOPLE!!?? GIVE IT UP FOR MAH BOI, ANASKIN SLUTWALKER!!" Palpatine's ass basically sagged on the floor, as he only wore an adult diaper filled with shit. Anakin took a deep breath, and strutted out on stage from behind the beaded curtain. 

He heard the people scream outside. He knew it was time. Stilettos on, hands on his hips, ready to fuckin party. He stepped on stage. 

The crowd screamed. Palpatine screamed with them and ripped off Anakin's robes, revealing the "Sith hoe" thong. Anakin stood proudly as Palpatine immediately went into cardiac arrest and fell off the fucking stage. As Anakin began to poll dance, the members of the republic cheered and crowd surfed Palpatine's unconscious, dying body. 

Then a thought hit the young stripper.   
"HEY YO PEOPLEEEE!! I NEED A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE TO GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!" He scanned the area, until he found him. "ObI wAN!! Get up here you dirty farmer ass lookin man!!!" Obi wan ran for the door. "yOULL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!!" He screamed as he tried to break free of the crowd. Anakin shook his ass on stage. "not even for...big foot???" Obi wan stopped in his tracks. The crowd went silent. Before anyone could blink an eye Obi wan had force sprinted up on stage and was already taking off his clothes while Ke$ha blasted. Anakin ran to the back to get his trusted furry suit. When he came back Obi wan was butt naked on stage and the crowd was was throwing packets of hot sauce at his dick. 

Anakin put on the furry boots. "PALPATINE ALWAYS SAID I WAS HIS HOME DOG!!! WOOF WOOF MASTER KENOBI!!" 

The night was only beginning. 

 

Chapter four: 

Money and glitter rained down from the ceiling. Everyone was fucking wasted. Obi wan was so drunk that he was shaving his beard and throwing the remains to the crowd. He screamed and body slammed into the floor, crashing through the stage. Anakin was covered in mashed potatoes. Yoda had joined them, smearing mustard all over his bare stomach while bouncing on a trampoline. 

Ahsoka burst through the door, shedding dreaded sunlight through the club. Everything went silent. "Oh my fucking God." A whisper escaped her.   
"Oh hey snips! Wanna party?!?!" Anakin slurred and slapped Yodas ass. Ahsoka was speechless. "....I'm calling Padme. And the cops." She slammed the door and left. 

The crowd cheered again and the party continued. Anakin did not process what was happening. 

"Hey Obi wan...am I...gay??"   
Obi wan pulled himself out of the hole in the floor and said, "...yes"

"wELL THEN FUCKSA MESSA!!" the two jedi turned to see Jar Jar, standing before them. Beer cans strapped to his chest, the remains of Obi wans beard tapped to his face. ANAKIN SCREAMED AND ELECTROCUTED JAR JAR, SINGEING THE GUNGAN AND LIGHTING THE STAFGE ON FIRE. "hOLY FJCK EVERYONES ON FI RE!!" OBI WAN PUNCHED ANAKINS FACE "yOU FOOL!!!!" But Anakin was already burning to death. "fUCK!!!!!"

...little did they know....

Ahsoka stood from the balcony, phone in hand. "This shit is going on YouTube TONIGHt." 

The next day the headlines read: WASTED AF JEDI CAUGHT BANGING DEAD EMPEROR PALPATINES BODY, SETS CLUB ON FIRE 

... 70 years later, a scene kid stood over the remains of a charcoal encrusted thong that read "sith hoe" in glitter. "Grandfather...show me again...the power of the stripper..." There has been an awakening.


	2. "I love bees Obi wan"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Qui gon falls in love with hot mama Jar Jar binks, Obi wan snorts coke off of General Grevious's four mechanical dicks and a gay ass double date goes down which involves the bee movie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU ASKED FOR MORE....BLAME YOURSELF.....

Chapter two

Chapter one: 

Qui gon was just a poor mullet man looking for a taco bell.  
My ass needs to get wasted, he thought.  
The clear blue skies and green fields of Naboo were nothing compared to....

... ....

his first though was tacos. his second thought was baby cream. his third.... the hot scaly mama standing in front of him.  
Qui gon shit his pants as he stared endlessly into those murky green eyes. His own eyes scanned the rest of the spicy hooker, from jaw dropping webbed feet, ball hardening webbed ears, and that smile...dam boi

"Meesa Jar Jar Binks. Who the fuck are you?" 

Qui gon was Qui GONE. He couldn't move, speak, or breathe. Jar jar was too spicy. WAY too spicy. In that moment, Qui gon imagined. Imagined him and Jar jar on a beach, him and jar jar with their first child, him and jar jar at their wedding, him and jar jar milking their first cow together, him and jar jar doing couples yoga. But suddenly, the spiciness of Jar jar triggered something inside of Qui gon. A memory. That place....Chipotle. A burrito bowl. A bite of pure authentic Mexican deliciousness. A crunch. The tingling of his tongue. The pain. THE SCREAMING. The burrito bowl flying. On the floor. People yelling. Medics. Blurry vision. "He seems to have eaten a hot pepper, sir" "Fucking white people." Then darkness. 

Snapping back into reality, Quin gon collapsed on the ground, sobbing and shivering. "That....bitch.....put jalapeño's...in my burrito bowl..."  
Jar jar ran over to the strange man. "Oh my god! Messa will call for help!" But Qui gon put his hand on jar jar's nasty scaly face. "No...my love...stay with me...carry me to my house..."  
"Okie doki Billy Ray Cyrus!" Then more darkness. 

 

Chapter two: 

Obi wan inhaled deeply, allowing the cocaine to enter his nostral. His gently dragged his nose across one of General Grevious's cold metal dicks, getting every last drop of the drug.  
"Hell yes bitch...." He sat up and slopily made out with the droid. "Baby you so good at this."  
"I know, daddy." replied Grevious.  
"You know whats so lit...That Qui gon isn't-"  
"HELLO FREINDSA!! MESSA JAR JAR BINKS, AND QUI GON IS PASSED-A OUT!"  
"God fucking DAMMIT!" Obi wan stashed the rest of the drugs under the family cat and ran to see his master. Grevious dusted the coke remains off his mecha wiener before following his husband.  
"I need.....a gungan kiss....." Qui Gon whispered, his eyes filled with tears.  
"Of corse-a!" Jar jar licked his lips and dove into the billy ray look alike's mouth. His tongue went straight down his throat, into his stomach, caressing the acid walls that had been damaged by the jalapeños. He began to sing an ancient Gungan hymn. "Break it down bitch...let me see you back it up..drop that ass down low then pick that motherfucker up...."  
Qui gon was healed. He lifted his head and smiled at Obi wan, who stared in horror. "Double date tonight?" 

Chapter three: 

"So Jar jar, since your tongue is so long, can you lick your own ass with it?" Asked Grevious excitedly, pouring butter over his popcorn.  
Jar jar nodded, "YES!! Meesa do that every night." Qui gon's eyes glittered with attraction. A lizard man who could lick his own ass...now that was something.  
It was the opening night of the Bee Movie, the most romantic and anticipated release of the year.  
As the movie started, Obi wan held all of Grevious's four dicks in one hand. The droid shuttered. "I love bees Obi wan." 

 

Chapter four:  
Obi wan had never felt more feelings in his tiny little gay ass body then at that moment. The movie was....moving, unlike no other. The way that lady just left her husband for that bee....it was so beautiful that it brought an ocean of tears to his eyes. In time, Obi wan would be known as the ultimate bee movie fan, even appearing on the news. His house was bee movie themed. His rooms were bee movie themed. All his clothes were bee movie themed. Grevious left him for Mace Windu. Qui Gon and Jar Jar had 27 children.


End file.
